I always get teased about my rather uncommon career choices. I find the shock on their faces rather amusing and I find the stereotyping , fascinating and then they ask me how it all started and ten seconds later they tell me how I don’t look the type and a second later, they manage to add the “no no, I mean its really great, you must be really smart hey..;) but WHY?! “. I’ve heard these lines, a couple of hundred times in the past 3-4 years. I’m used to them but they’ve never failed to amuse me.

I study mathematics. Yes, straight maths, not combined with any other subjects, no minors, no joint degrees, just maths the way it is. I intend to pursue research in a closely math related field. I’m not smart, neither am I a nerd. I hardly study and I’m usually always ‘free’ to do something fun.[ I, however do believe that I have a couple of very eccentric habits. Ranging from my very nocturnal studying habits, (some of the greatest inspirational moments in my life had been at very random times of the night, in fact its actually 2:45am right now!) to talking to myself out loud at any given moment. I’m full of rather strange little characteristics.]

When I’m usually asked as to why I ended up with maths, I say that I was always good at it, I hated ‘studying and essay writing subjects’ towards the latter part of my school career, engineering sounded too regimented and I ended up choosing maths due to the flexibility of careers and the respect that the subject offered. But in a profound moment, I realise that, in retrospect, I cannot imagine doing anything else. I realise that I’m spending my life learning something completely artificial. Something unbelievably abstract. Something that I’ll never be able to touch and see. Something that tries to be perfect in an imperfect world. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with a subject which started as a fragment of someone’s imagination.

But then I try to imagine what the world would be like without mathematics, what the world would be like, if we did not know how to count. I think about all the other subjects that maths had inspired; physics, chemistry, economics, computing, technology, accounting,countless fields of research… and realise how blessed and privileged I am, to be a part of this awe-inspiring field. I’m suddenly filled with great inspiration and joy knowing that very few things could be as innovative and imaginative as mathematics. I smile with sadistic pleasure. I don’t care what you say. Mathematicians are not socially inept creatures, who do not have a life, they are some of the most creative and persevering people that the world has ever produced.

I cant stop sneezing,but I dont have a cold. I should have a shower and go to bed;my mind is exhausted. I think too much,too often. Right now, my head is such an incoherant cacophony that I cant be bothered going to bed. I need to talk but I’m too tired to speak.

For the couple of weeks that I have been here this summer, sadly and strangely, I have seen,heard, discussed,thought and read about death, much more than I would like to. I’ve always been told that death is a big part of life and I’ve been to a fair amount of funerals in my life, be it young or old, known or not so known…everytime I see death,whether it is sight of seeing the agony of an otherwise eternally jovial friend, at the loss of a parent or whether a tiny ant float off,when I’m too slow to turn off the shower on time…I then contemplate death.

I’m not that emotional and I’m hardly ever visibly emotional in public, I just feel alot. I come home and think of all the people who cried and screamed so unbearably,I try to think of all the things thats going through their minds, I wonder if there is any truth in those mass email fwds, that tell us to resolve arguments and ‘tell your loved ones that you do’, I wonder if their inner conflict was resolved, I wonder if they regret, I call a long lost friend on my contact list and speak with them for an hour on student rebellion and other randomness,I want to slap the fools who ask me if I’d cry when they die and I try to imagine what it would be like on the day I lose a family member, a best friend, a loved one, a friend..I try to imagine what it would be like for them to not be there,to laugh with,to gossip with, to talk wit, to just share life with.I wonder if life does go on…

And whether the pain I see around me does go away…….